The 2 Minute Haggadah Service

A PASSOVER SERVICE FOR THE IMPATIENT....

(The infamous 2 MINUTE HAGGADAH)

Opening Prayer

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine).

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley).

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we are free. That's why we're doing this.

Four Questions:

1. What's up with the matzah?

2. What's the deal with the horseradish?

3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?

4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Four Answers:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.

2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.

3. It's called symbolism.

4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

Wise Child--Explain Passover.

Simple child--Explain Passover slowly.

Silent child--Explain Passover loudly.

Wicked child--Browbeat in front of the relatives (not really-just give them "the look". They know who they are).

Speaking of children:

We hide some Matzah. We call it the "afikomen". Whoever finds it gets 5 bucks (or whatever you pick up in the $ store). Some people call it "the gift for sitting through the seder".

The story of Passover:

It's was a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh was a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues(really bad stuff) upon the Egyptians. We escape,& bake some matzah, then head for the desert. The Egyptians chase us. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through, the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:

Blood, Frogs, Lice--you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu"(which means "enough").

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies, and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea-------ETC..... (Remove the gefilte fish from the refrigerator now.)

Eat Matzah, Drink more wine, Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

(Serve meal). Enjoy!!!!

If your child, grandchild or any little one is celebrating their "FIRST PASSOVER' - Think about getting our FIRST PASSOVER BIB from http://www.Names2u.com/catalog/index.php?cPath=67_157 That's my gift to you for sitting through the seder politely & the week of indigestion that follows :)

Sharon Blumenthal
The Present Pro

http:Names2u.com

Passover- You've got to love this.

Everybody seems to be celebrating Passover this year of 5769.Will it help us? Certainly has merit if true. Seems everyone is getting into the Act.

THE RED SOX HOME OPENER, THIS YEAR, WILL BE POSTPONED FOR PASSOVER.
RED SOX GENERAL MANAGER - THEO EPSTEIN ANNOUNCED THAT THE BOSTON RED SOX HOME OPENER WILL BE POSTPONED TO APRIL 14TH... TO AVOID THE 8 DAYS OF THE PASSOVER HOLIDAY ...
HE NOTED, BECAUSE 3 OF HIS STARTERS WERE JEWISH AS WERE HIS BOX SEAT HOLDERS, HE WAS FORCED TO MAKE THIS CHANGE IN SCHEDULING.
THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL COMPLAINTS FROM FANS, WHO ARE ENRAGED AT EPSTEIN'S DECISION....

IN FACT, PROTESTS ARE BEING TENDERED TO THE COMMISSIONER OF BASEBALL'S OFFICE. HOWEVER, BUD SELIG - COMMISSIONER OF BASEBALL WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADDRESS THESE PROTESTS; MAINLY DUE TO A SCHEDULING PROBLEM. THIS HAS BEEN CAUSED BY THE FAMILY SEDERS HE AND MRS SELIG WILL BE ATTENDING.
YES, THIS IS AN AMAZING COUNTRY. (I LOVE IT!)

ALSO, UNABLE TO ATTEND THE OPENER:
AL GORE AND TIPPER, HIS WIFE, WILL BE UNAVAILABLE AS THEY WILL ATTEND SEDER AT THEIR SON IN LAW'S HOME.

BILL AND HILARY CLINTON WILL BE ATTENDING THE SEDER AT THE HOME OF THEIR DAUGHTER CHELSEA 'S 'STEADY.'

IN ADDITION, EX MAYOR OF NYC, RUDY GUILIANI... WHOSE WIFE WILL BE BUSY PREPARING THEIR SEDER.

AND FINALLY THE OBAMAS MAY BE OUT OF TOWN ENJOYING A SEDER AT MICHELLE'S COUSIN'S HOUSE, THE RABBI CAPERS FUNNYE.

Capers C. Funnye Jr. (pronounced fun-AY; born c. 1952) is a Jewish African-American who is the head rabbi of his mostly African-American 200 membership

YES THIS IS AN AMAZING COUNTRY - YOU JUST HAVE TO LOVE IT !

Looking for some neat personalized items to take to your SEDER hostess?

Check out INITIALLY YOU TOO-personalized presents plus in Beachwood, Ohio or http:www.Names2u.com

Our New White House

Our New White House

So far we have:

Rahm Emanuel - Chief of Staff - Jewish

David Axelrod - Senior Advisor to the President - Jewish

Ronald Klain - Chief of Staff to the Vice President of the United States - Jewish

Larry Summers - Economic Advisor to the President - Jewish

Paul Volcker - Economic Advisor to the President, Former Head of Fed Reserve - Jewish

Tim Geithner - Treasury Secetary - Jewish

Peter Orszag - Head of Budget - Jewish

Am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan? - Smart Guys :)

The Western Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all of our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a..... wall."

A joke..... maybe.....maybe not........

Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers

The following list of Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers can start some amazing "bagelling" conversation. Here's just a few famous names to get you started...

Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg

June Allyson --- Ella Geisman

Lauren Bacall --- Betty Joan Perske

Jack Benny --- Benjamin Kubelsky

Irving Berlin --- Israel Baline

Milton Berle --- Milton Berlinger

Joey Bishop ---Joseph Gottlieb

Karen Black --- Karen Blanche Ziegler

Victor Borge --- Borge Rosenbaum

Fanny Brice --- Fanny Borach

Mel Brooks --- Melvin Kaminsky

George Burns --- Nathan Birnbaum

Eddie Cantor --- Edward Israel Iskowitz

Jeff Chandler --- Ira Grossel

Lee J. Cobb --- Amos Jacob

Tony Curtis --- Bernard Schwartz

Rodney Dangerfield --- Jacob Cohen

Kirk Douglas --- Issue Danielovich Demsky

Melvyn Douglas --- Melvyn Hesselberg

Bob Dylan --- Bobby Zimmerman

Paulette Goddard --- Marion Levy

Lee Grant --- Lyova Geisman

Elliot Gould --- Elliot Goldstein

Judy Holliday --- Judith Tuvim

Al Jolson --- Asa Yoelson

Danny Kaye --- David Daniel Kaminsky

Michael Landon --- Michael Orowitz

Steve Lawrence --- Sidney Leibowitz

Jerry Lewis --- Joseph Levitch

Peter Lorre --- Lazlo Lowenstein

Elaine May --- Elaine Berlin

Yves Montand --- Ivo Levy

Mike Nichols --- Michael Peschkowsky

Joan Rivers --- Joan Molinsky

Edward G. Robinson -- Emanuel Goldenberg

Jane Seymour --- Joyce Penelope Frankenburg

Simone Signoret --- Simone-Henriette Kaminker

Beverly Sills --- Belle Silverman

Sophie Tucker --- Sophia Kalish

Gene Wilder --- Gerald Silberman

Now, I ask YOU to add some names you know to our list..... Feel free to comment & "bagel" away.

Sharon Blumenthal

"The Present Pro"

http://www.names2u.com/

How some Jews got their names....

Here's some info on how Jews got their names....

Really interesting......................enjoy!
How Jews got their Names....

Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century. Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon, Russia, Poland,and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes. After Napoleon's defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned to 'son of' names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON,etc.

During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It's probable that some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less. In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the 16th century.

Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries... Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews. They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left for America. The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.

In general there were five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):

1-- Names that were descriptive of the head of household:Examples:HOCH (tall), KLEIN (small), COHEN (rabbi),BURGER (village dweller),SHEIN (good looking),LEVI (temple singer),GROSS (large), SCHWARTZ (dark or black), WEISS (white), KURTZ (short).

2 -- Names describing occupations:Examples:HOLTZ (wood), HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper), GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith), SCHNEIDER (tailor), KREIGSMAN (warrior), MALAMED (teacher), EISEN (iron),FISCHER (fish).

3-- Names from city of residence:Examples:BERLIN, FRANKFURTER, DANZIGER,OPPENHEIMER,DEUTSCH (German): POLLACK , BRESLAU ,MANNHEIM ,CRACOW ,WARSHAW (Polish).

4 -- Bought names:Examples:GLUCK (luck), ROSEN (roses), ROSENBLATT (rose paper or leaf),
ROSENBERG (rose mountain), ROTHMAN (red man), DIAMOND,KOENIG (king), KOENIGSBERG (king's mountain)], SPIELMAN (spiel is to play), LIEBER (lover), BERG (mountain), WASSERMAN (water dweller), KERSHENBLATT (church paper), STEIN (glass).

5-- Assigned names (usually undesirable):Examples:PLOTZ (to die), KLUTZ (clumsy), BILLIG (cheap), or DREK (sh*t).

So where did your name come from? Ask a relative. It opens up great conversations !!!

Sharon Blumenthal

"The Present Pro"

www.Names2u.com

What is Bagelling?

"Bagelling" is basically a way that Jews have developed to "out" ourselves to other Jews.

"Bagelling" has been a "habit" of mine for years. "The Bagelling Habit", for me, is connecting with fellow Jews by a "sort of code" that identifies us. Most Jews seem to have a very strong need to connect with one another and identify their fellow Jews. The more our world becomes assimilated, the more I feel the need to connect with my "MOTs"- "members of the tribe". Therefore, I am always looking for ways to "bagel".

According to Jessica Levine Kupferberg, "there are two ways to bagel. The brave or simply unimaginative will tell you straight out that they are Jewish (a plain bagel). But the more creative will concoct subtler and even sublime ways to let you know that they, too, are in the know. (These bagels are often the best; like their doughy counterparts, cultural bagels are more flavorful when there is more to chew on.)"

I really think that Jews have been "bagelling" since the time of Abraham ( well before real bagels were even invented).

In college at Ohio State, I used to sit in the Student Union & pick out those I thought were Jewish & those who couldn't be (or could they)? You often need to speak with someone to really find out the "emmes" (truth). Start with a comment like, "Have you visited Hillel lately?" If they don't have a clue what Hillel is.... chances are they aren't an MOT.

So, tell me YOUR favorite "bagelling" story. Share. It's good for you:)