The Jewish Buddha

Sayings of the Jewish Buddha


If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So ... maybe we're off the hook?

Chutzpah

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “no other
word, and no other language,” can do it justice. This example is better than 1,000 words . . .

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH A A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Twas the Night Before Chanukah...

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...

OY! WHAT A SHOCK!SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A 'ZAYDA'(a grandpa) IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KOPP (head) A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!

HIS PUNIM (face) WAS SHAIN (pretty) - EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
'ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID! (Star of David)

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES (fringed shawl) BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: "I'M NO BURGLAR,SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH, HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"

"MENCHEN ( people) ALL CALL ME 'REB' SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV (holiday) MIGHT NEED A NEW 'HERO!'"

"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, (Jews) AND BRING - KINE AYIN HORE (no evil eye)-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"

"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND CHANUKAH GELT (coins),
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKE (really)THE BEST IN DER VELT!"(in the world)

"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN (people), I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT (health) AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK! "(luck)

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE,AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!" OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD. HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS,
AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:

"LET'S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL! MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"

THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND!AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL, (quickly)
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, AND HIS GATKES AS WELL! (underwear)

SOON HE WAS SO KALT (cold) THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DON'T ACT EMBARRASSED,AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DON'T BEAT 'ROUND THE BUSH'!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!

QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICKEN SOUP HEISS (hot) AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS (liquor) AND A GLEZ'L (glass) HOT TEA!

'CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMUCK (tasty)AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.

PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER (sugar), AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL (Good luck)!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL (G-d in heaven) WILL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA (family) AND YOU!!!

New Jewish Words

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta(n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Hebort(v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo(n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein- slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement(n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep(v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut(n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Feel free to add some "new Jewish words" of your own in the comment section :)

If you want, you can go to : http://www.Names2u.com & put your "new Jewish words" on gifts for your family & friends ie: coasters, keyrings, mugs, mousepads, etc. Check out the site & we will help you make the most original gifts.

Subject: Gov of Hawaii
I was not aware the governor of Hawaii was a woman and Jewish, were you?

She makes time for her scheduler, her cabinet and her closest advisers, of
course. but every Monday morning, Gov. Linda Lingle sits down to a meeting
unlike any other during the week.

It's with her rabbi.

Lingle's gubernatorial victory last November made her a pioneer in many
ways.

She is the first Republican to govern Hawaii in 40 years and the first
woman ever.

And she's the first Jewish governor there and only the second female
Jewish governor in U.S. history.

Lingle is hesitant to be labeled only by her religion, but she is quick to
say her faith helps define her. Judaism is a facet of Lingle's
identity
that she says shapes her leadership perhaps more than being a woman or a
Republican.
"Anyone who was raised in a Jewish family, I think, would feel the same
way," Lingle said.

Lingle's religion was never an issue during her campaign, and it seldom
garners any attention now.

At her inauguration, a rabbi gave an invocation, but so did a number of
Christian leaders.

Lingle attended a public menorah-lighting during Hanukkah and last April
took part in a Passover Seder at the governor's mansion.

On Fridays, a rabbi arrives at Lingle's office with fresh-baked challah
bread for Shabbat.

And in the entryway to the governor's home, a mezuzah has been affixed in
the doorway.
"She handles it the way Linda Lingle handles most things," said Neil
Milner, a political science professor at the University of Hawaii . "She
doesn't make a big thing out of it, she doesn't wear it on her
sleeve."

It's a similar public approach to that of the nation's only other sitting
Jewish governor - Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell.

Fewer than 20 Jews have been elected their state's chief executive since
David Emanuel won Georgia 's race in 1801.
Some, like Idaho 's Moses Alexander who helped establish Idaho 's first
synagogue after taking office in 1915, have particularly bolstered their
faith's community.

Lingle has no similar goal for Hawaii 's Jews - who make up fewer than 1
percent of the state's residents.

She said raising the profile of her faith is "not something conscious that
I'd like to set out to do."

Lingle grew up in St. Louis , where she attended services and Sunday
school,
saving her dimes to plant trees in Israel .

Her family later moved to California , and after college, Lingle moved to
Hawaii
She eventually became a councilwoman, then mayor in Maui
County

She narrowly lost a gubernatorial bid in 1998, but when she ran again four
years later, backed by the bigges
t campaign fund in state history, Lingle
emerged a winner.

Her victory ended four decades of virtual one-party rule in Hawaii by the
Democrats, who were plagued by a slow economy, declining state tax
revenue,
weakened union political clout and a string of corruption scandals.

Lingle promised to improve public education and to restore trust in
government.
And while she probably could have won without the extra help, she also
gained the backing of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee as well
as Jews in California , New York and Florida .

Even the Jerusalem Post featured her in a story.

"I think she sets the example for so many groups that are
underrepresented," said Laura Stein, a lawyer who supported Lingle's
candidacy.

"She's like three for one."
Lingle's moderate political stance helps in
her
appeal to a group that typically votes Democratic.
She supports abortion rights and opposes capital punishment.

But even Jews who find themselves at odds with the governor's political
views say they take some pride in Lingle's rise.

"It demonstrates that Hawaii will continue its tradition of tolerance and
inclusiveness," said Democratic state Rep. Brian Schatz. "For that, I
think we all were proud."

Irving, the amazing Jewish dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem.

"Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty."He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!"

Morty points to the dog and commands: " Irving , Fetch!"Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house , a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

L'Shana Tova-Happy Healthy New Year to all

"May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your psychiatrist, your optometrist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your gynecologist, your podiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

May your hair, your teeth, your facelift, your abs, your honey cakes, and your stocks not fall and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, your weight and your mortgage interest rates not rise.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when you get there, may you find a parking space.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them.

May someone, as well as G-d, love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us.

May our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our children grandchildren, our parents, all of our significant others

And may the Messiah come this year, and if he/she does not, may we live as if he/she has, in a world at peace, with awareness of G-d's love in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart.

May we smile and laugh often throughout the year.

L'Shana Tova."