Irving, the amazing Jewish dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem.

"Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty."He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!"

Morty points to the dog and commands: " Irving , Fetch!"Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house , a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

L'Shana Tova-Happy Healthy New Year to all

"May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your psychiatrist, your optometrist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your gynecologist, your podiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

May your hair, your teeth, your facelift, your abs, your honey cakes, and your stocks not fall and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, your weight and your mortgage interest rates not rise.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when you get there, may you find a parking space.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them.

May someone, as well as G-d, love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us.

May our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our children grandchildren, our parents, all of our significant others

And may the Messiah come this year, and if he/she does not, may we live as if he/she has, in a world at peace, with awareness of G-d's love in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart.

May we smile and laugh often throughout the year.

L'Shana Tova."