Sunday, December 13, 2009

Chutzpah




Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “no other
word, and no other language,” can do it justice. This example is better than 1,000 words . . .

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH A A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Twas the Night Before Chanukah...

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...

OY! WHAT A SHOCK!SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A 'ZAYDA'(a grandpa) IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KOPP (head) A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!

HIS PUNIM (face) WAS SHAIN (pretty) - EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
'ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID! (Star of David)

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES (fringed shawl) BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: "I'M NO BURGLAR,SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH, HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"

"MENCHEN ( people) ALL CALL ME 'REB' SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV (holiday) MIGHT NEED A NEW 'HERO!'"

"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, (Jews) AND BRING - KINE AYIN HORE (no evil eye)-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"

"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND CHANUKAH GELT (coins),
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKE (really)THE BEST IN DER VELT!"(in the world)

"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN (people), I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT (health) AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK! "(luck)

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE,AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!" OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD. HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS,
AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:

"LET'S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL! MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"

THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND!AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL, (quickly)
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, AND HIS GATKES AS WELL! (underwear)

SOON HE WAS SO KALT (cold) THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DON'T ACT EMBARRASSED,AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DON'T BEAT 'ROUND THE BUSH'!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!

QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICKEN SOUP HEISS (hot) AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS (liquor) AND A GLEZ'L (glass) HOT TEA!

'CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMUCK (tasty)AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.

PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER (sugar), AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL (Good luck)!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL (G-d in heaven) WILL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA (family) AND YOU!!!