Monday, May 24, 2010

Perceptions of Jews by Some Renowned Gentiles

Perceptions of Jews by Some Renowned Gentiles


#1"Some people like the Jews, and some do not. But no thoughtful man candeny the fact that they are, beyond any question, the most formidableand the most remarkable race which has appeared in the world."-- Winston Churchill

#2"The Jew is that sacred being who has brought down from heaven theeverlasting fire, and has illumined with it the entire world. He is thereligious source, spring, and fountain out of which all the rest of thepeoples have drawn their beliefs and their religions."-- Leo Tolstoy

#3"It was in vain that we locked them up for several hundred years behindthe walls of the Ghetto. No sooner were their prison gates unbarred thanthey easily caught up with us, even on those paths which we opened up without their aid."-- A. A. Leroy Beaulieu, French publicist, 1842

#4"The Jew gave us the Outside and the Inside - our outlook and our inner life. We can hardly get up in the morning or cross the street without being Jewish. We dream Jewish dreams and hope Jewish hopes. Most of our best words, in fact - new, adventure, surprise, unique, individual, person, vocation, time, history, future, freedom, progress, spirit, faith, hope, justice - are the gifts of the Jews."-- Thomas Cahill, Irish Author

#5"One of the gifts of the Jewish culture to Christianity is that it has taught Christians to think like Jews, and any modern man who has not learned to think as though he were a Jew can hardly be said to have learned to think at all."-- William Rees-Mogg, former Editor-in-Chief for The Times of London and a member of the House of Lords

#6"It is certain that in certain parts of the world we can see a peculiar people, separated from the other peoples of the world and this is called the Jewish people.....This people is not only of remarkable antiquity but has also lasted for a singular long time... For whereas the people of Greece and Italy, of Sparta, Athens and Rome and others who came so much later have perished so long ago, these still exist, despite the efforts of so many powerful kings who have tried a hundred times to wipe them out, as their historians testify, and as can easily be judged by the natural order of things over such a long spell of years. They have always been preserved, however, and their preservation was foretold... My encounter with this people amazes me..."-- Blaise Pascal, French Mathematics

#7"The Jewish vision became the prototype for many similar grand designs for humanity, both divine and man made The Jews, herefore, stand at the center of the perennial attempt to give human life the dignity of a purpose."--Paul Johnson, American Historian

#8"As long as the world lasts, all who want to make progress in righteousness will come to Israel for inspiration as to the people who had the sense for righteousness most glowing and strongest."--Matthew Arnold, British poet and critic

#9"Indeed it is difficult for all other nations of the world to live in the presence of the Jews. It is irritating and most uncomfortable. The Jews embarrass the world as they have done things which are beyond the imaginable. They have become moral strangers since the day theirforefather, Abraham, introduced the world to high ethical standards and to the fear of Heaven. They brought the world the Ten Commandments, which many nations prefer to defy. They violated the rules of history by staying alive, totally at odds with common sense and historicalevidence. They outlived all their former enemies, including vast empires such as the Romans and the Greeks. They angered the world with their return to their homeland after 2000 years of exile and after the murder of six million of their brothers and sisters.They aggravated mankind by building, in the wink of an eye, a democratic State which others were not able to create in even hundreds of years They built living monuments such as the duty to be holy and the privilege to serve one's fellow men.They had their hands in every human progressive endeavor, whether in science, medicine, psychology or any other discipline, while totally out of proportion to their actual numbers. They gave the world the Bible and even their "savior."Jews taught the world not to accept the world as it is, but to transform it, yet only a few nations wanted to listen. Moreover, the Jews introduced the world to one God, yet only a minority wanted to draw the moral consequences. So the nations of the world realize thatthey would have been lost without the Jews.. And while their subconscious trie s to remind them of how much of Western civilizations framed in terms of concepts first articulated by the Jews, they do nything to suppress it.They deny that Jews remind them of a higher purpose of life and the need to be honorable, and do anything to escape its consequences It is simply too much to handle for them, too embarrassing to admit, and above all, too difficult to live by.So the nations of the world decided once again to go out of 'their' way in order to find a stick to hit the Jews. The goal: to prove that Jews are as immoral and guilty of massacre and genocide as some of they themselves are.All this in order to hide and justify their own failure to even protest when six million Jews were brought to the slaughterhouses of Auschwitz and Dachau; so as to wipe out the moral conscience of which the Jews remind them, and they found a stick.Nothing could be more gratifying for them than to find the Jews in a struggle with another people (who are completely terrorized by their own leaders) against whom the Jews, against their best wishes, have to defend themselves in order to survive. With great satisfaction, theworld allows and initiates the rewriting of history so as to fuel the rage of yet another people against the Jews. This in spite of the fact that the nations understand very well that peace between the parties could have come a long time ago, if only the Jews would have had a fairchance. Instead, they happily jumped on the wagon of hate so as to justify their jealousy of the Jews and their incompetence to deal with their own moral issues.When Jews look at the bizarre play taking place in The Hague , they can only smile as this artificial game once more proves how the world paradoxically admits the Jews uniqueness.
It is in their need to undermine the Jews that they actually raise them.The study of history of Europe during the past centuries teaches us one uniform lesson: That the nations which received and in any way dealt fairly and mercifully with the Jew have prospered; and that the nations that have tortured and oppressed them have written out their own curse."--Olive Schreiner, South African novelist and social activist

#10"If there is any honor in all the world that I should like, it would be to be an honorary Jewish citizen."--A.L Rowse, authority on Shakespeare

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Jewish Zodiac



CHICKEN SOUP 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003 You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children: resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

EGG CREAM 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004 You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969,1981, 1993, 2005 People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "what am I, chopped liver?" But don’t get a complex, you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your backside.

BLINTZ 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006 Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007 Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kinda plain naked but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008 You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry a Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010 You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.

PASTRAMI 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011 Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012 Kids love you but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bi-polar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

KNISH 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013 Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider Medical or Law School but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.

LOX 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014 Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear although you top them both.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Being Jewish?

Being Jewish ?
Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-troisA: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q: What business is a yenta in?A: Yours.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?A: Plaintiff

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?A: A fur coat

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?A: The tip of the iceberg

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman? A: A Mercedes 550SL convertible

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."


One of life's mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.
Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!


The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.


A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Jewish Buddha

Sayings of the Jewish Buddha


If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So ... maybe we're off the hook?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Chutzpah




Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “no other
word, and no other language,” can do it justice. This example is better than 1,000 words . . .

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH A A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Twas the Night Before Chanukah...

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...

OY! WHAT A SHOCK!SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A 'ZAYDA'(a grandpa) IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KOPP (head) A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!

HIS PUNIM (face) WAS SHAIN (pretty) - EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
'ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID! (Star of David)

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES (fringed shawl) BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: "I'M NO BURGLAR,SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH, HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"

"MENCHEN ( people) ALL CALL ME 'REB' SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV (holiday) MIGHT NEED A NEW 'HERO!'"

"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, (Jews) AND BRING - KINE AYIN HORE (no evil eye)-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"

"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND CHANUKAH GELT (coins),
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKE (really)THE BEST IN DER VELT!"(in the world)

"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN (people), I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT (health) AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK! "(luck)

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE,AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!" OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD. HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS,
AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:

"LET'S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL! MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"

THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND!AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL, (quickly)
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, AND HIS GATKES AS WELL! (underwear)

SOON HE WAS SO KALT (cold) THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DON'T ACT EMBARRASSED,AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DON'T BEAT 'ROUND THE BUSH'!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!

QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICKEN SOUP HEISS (hot) AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS (liquor) AND A GLEZ'L (glass) HOT TEA!

'CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMUCK (tasty)AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.

PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER (sugar), AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL (Good luck)!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL (G-d in heaven) WILL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA (family) AND YOU!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

New Jewish Words

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta(n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Hebort(v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo(n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein- slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement(n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep(v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut(n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Feel free to add some "new Jewish words" of your own in the comment section :)

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